Who is the man we can call a Tea Party Man? He’s rugged but perceptive. He’s independent but respectful. He holds his religious faith dear and isn’t afraid to use a little bit of excess force on heretics. His mind is made up, his opinions unwavering. He is steadfast in the face of facts, unfaltering in the face of change.
He wouldn’t be caught dead in a Japanese car and he’ll gut you with his Swiss army knife if you suggest otherwise. He’s a church-going man where he sits in a pew and daydreams about Michele Bachmann’s nipples.
He’s a patriot who respects the flag and proves it by flying a shredded Old Glory on a pole outside his doublewide. He supports our military and demonstrates that support by taking off his cammo hat when they play the National Anthem before a truck pull.
He’s opposed to druggies and once beat the living shit out of a stoner in a bar who suggested that he might want to cut down on his meth intake.
He loves country music, NASCAR, and Budweiser. His ultimate wet dream is having a beer with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and the Oak Ridge Boys, then picking up Sarah Palin and taking her back to his trailer.
He really, really hates gay people, especially gay men who he calls fags. He thinks about fags all the time and is constantly worried that one of them will try to recruit him into the homosexual legions of sin.
He’s fed up with pointy-head scientists shoving out their bullshit about global warming. He feels that if the weather gets warmer, it’s an excuse to cut the sleeves off your shirts. Besides, the air conditioning in his F350 works great. Perhaps they will extend the deer season.
He’s fond of guns and has a bunch of them including a loaded pistol in a drawer next to his bed “just in case an illegal immigrant breaks in and tries to rape my wife.” Then he remembers that his wife ran off with the assistant manager of the local True Value hardware store. “OK, in case an illegal immigrant breaks in and tries to rape my coonhound.”
He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that immigrants and minorities have spent the last 200 years eating away at the foundations of our American democracy. One example is when a black person waltzes up to a voting booth expecting to be able to vote without showing a photo ID to prove they aren’t among the tens of millions of minorities bent on committing voter fraud.
He reserves his deepest hatred for illegal aliens, whom he loathes for two reasons; they are lazy and want nothing more than government handouts and they are willing to work incredibly long days at backbreaking jobs, thus stealing opportunities from real Americans who are then forced to turn to methamphetamine for solace.
He has a deep and abiding respect for the Constitution, and is especially fond of quote the first five amendments:
- First Amendment: This gives me the right to shout at you in a bar when you’re being a fucktard.
- Second Amendment: This gives me the right to carry a weapon to protect myself because we are coming under increasing threats from minorities, homosexuals and illegal immigrants who could at any time attack us 300 or 400 at a time. Thus, I need an automatic weapon.
- Third Amendment: No free shit for poor people.
- Fourth Amendment: Government can’t pass rules that shut down the chemical factory on the outskirts of town where my brother-in-law, Bleached Hands Billy, used to work before he got the cancer.
- Fifth Amendment: You have to be an American citizen to get into our grade schools.
He’s proud of his heritage and proud of his Harley. He is also proud of his Harley t-shirt, his Harley vest, his Harley cap, his Harley leather wristbands, his Harley leather pants, his Harley boots and his Harley belt buckle. He is particularly proud of the fact that he is a man who thinks for himself.
We should all take a few moments to thank the Tea Party Man. He keeps us safe, keeps us secure, keeps us on our toes, and mainly, he keeps us entertained.
In a statement released today by his campaign, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced his support for the “immediate development and deployment of a technology designed to allow warships to detect and avoid sailing off the end of the earth.”
“I am shocked and amazed that the current president is allowing our brave servicemen and women to risk their lives by sailing perilously close to the edge of the world,” Perry statement said. “If these heroes fall off the earth and are eaten by serpents, it will be on his head. This cannot stand!”