OK Liberal socialistic nazi communist minority lefties, the time has come for you to face some facts and then GET OVER IT, OK?

Bringing about change the way God wants it.

Fact #1 — Global warming. Just because it gets a little warm in the summer, there is NO evidence that humans are contributing to global warming. Since the earth was created 6329 years ago, there have been several periods of heating and cooling of the earth’s atmosphere, all of which were caused by God betting angry and teaching us a lesson. If the climate IS changing, we’d be a whole lot better off praying and asking Him for forgiveness than trying to reduce carbon emissions. If we were REALLY serious about addressing this so-called global warming, we might sacrifice a goat or two, which is what the Hebrews did when they got crossways with the Lord. And perhaps a sizable check to a televangelist wouldn’t hurt either.

Your puppy's great grandfather? Liberals would have you believe it!

Fact #2 — Evolution. C’mon people, get with it! Do you REALLY think we are all descended from creatures that crawled out of the ocean? While some people would point to Barack Obama and Michael Moore as proof, they would still be wrong. People, it’s IN THE BIBLE! Isn’t it overwhelming to think of God orchestrating the creation of each individual species?

According to the socialist/communists, this might be your Uncle Leo

 

Of course, since He is God, He delegated a lot of the real work to the archangels, the seraphim, cherubim, and other minions. Is this so hard to understand? There was an amphibian committee in charge of all the amphibians. One angel designed the prototype for the tree frog, another guy did the leopard frog, still another worked up the spotted salamander and so on. The next time you look in the mirror, think about how weird it would be that your were descended from a monkey! That’s what the Liberals are teaching your kids. No wonder the kids these days are so unruly!

Do you REALLY think genetics caused this?

Fact #3 — The causes of homosexuality. Can you believe these clowns who claim that there is a genetic basis for homosexuality? C’mon, look at the evidence! Where are the overwhelming majority of homosexuals? 1) In the arts; 2) in the Democratic Party; 3) in Hollywood; 4) on the Home and Garden Channel. Think about it. If homosexuality was genetic, there were be homosexuals all throughout our society…BUT THERE’S NOT! It’s pretty clear that the places mentioned above have highly refined recruiting tactics that have been extremely successful in expanding the ranks of the Homosexual Nation.

 

Fact #4 — Not raising the debt ceiling will lead to financial ruin. Hah! This one is easy-peasy to debunk. Let’s say my wife has been spending money like a drunken sailor on jewelry at Tiffany’s. No wait, that’s Newt Gingrich’s wife! Anway, if someone is spending money they don’t have, getting overextended on their credit cards and selling their blood to pay off loan sharks, is it a BAD thing to make them stop spending? Heck no, it’s a GOOD thing. So why are we supposed to believe the liberal commie economists when they say that not raising our debt ceiling will lead us to ruin. That’s too stupid to be believed!

PLUS, they want to raise taxes on people just because they make more money than you or I do. Whoa! If a rich guy’s taxes are raised, what’s the first thing to go? It’s the extra maid or gardener, that’s who! So what the liberals are shouting about will actually hurt the people who can afford it the least. So much for their claim to be protecting the poor!

Silent Cal Coolidge

It was Calvin Coolidge (the patron saint of the Tea Party) who said “The business of America is business.” About 30 years later, the CEO of General Motors said  “what’s good for GM is good for America.” Since that time, a remarkable number of people believe that business can do no wrong (let’s just forget about those unfortunate spills and emissions) and that the chief goal of the US government should be to let business do whatever it wants. Both parties now subscribe to this theory to one degree or another. But both parties, while professing concern about small businesses and entrepreneurs, really don’t give a rat’s ass about anything other than mega-corporations. Let’s take a closer look.

Who do you think has more clout on Capitol Hill, General Electric Chairman Jeffrey Immelt or the Vietnamese immigrant who owns the nail salon in your local Wal-Mart? OK, which business entity received more Federal bailout money in the financial crash of 2008, General Electric or the nail salon in your local Wal-Mart. Huh?

Nail salon got less than $100 million in TARP money.

In 2009, General Electric’s GE Finance business received $80 billion in Federal TARP money. The next year, GE not only paid ZERO tax but actually received a $3.2 billion rebate. I feel confident in asserting (even without evidence) that the nail salon’s share of TARP was under $100 million and that it probably paid at least minimal taxes.

OK, some of you smarties are saying, “yes, but General Electric contributes more to the national economy because it employs hundreds of thousands of people. The logical extension of that thinking is that we should just give the entire US economy to mega corporations and eliminate corporate tax altogether. Wait! That’s essentially the Republican/Tea Party platform!

If Federal regulation is an obstacle to job creation, let’s be completely fair about it and eliminate ALL regulation that inhibits business. For example, if we were to repeal the onerous drug laws that prevent local crack dealer Pimp Daddy Silk from expanding his business, it would be good for the economy. At present, he only employs three low level crack runners and does all his own book work. If allowed to expand, Pimp Daddy would likely add additional runners, perhaps a district manager, hire an accountant, perhaps eventually an HR director and so on. Pimp Daddy is growing the economy!

American businessman Arnold "Pimp Daddy" Silk

I can see it now! “At a news conference today, the National Association of Pimps and Crack Dealers stood shoulder to shoulder with House Speaker Eric Cantor to denounce Democratic attempts to strangle American Business with regulation and suffocating taxes. ‘This will not stand!’ Cantor said. ‘We will protect American business from those who would hinder its ability to create jobs for Americans!’ NAPC President Arnold “Pimp Daddy” Silk then announced the formation of a Super-PAC, LeisureServicesUSA, to support free enterprise in American cities. As evidence of the growing political influence of the Crack Party Movement, Silk also announced a strategic alliance between his group and the Rural Meth Manufacturers Association to raise money for the Super-PAC.”

It’s clear: What’s good for Pimp Daddy is good for America!

As we mentioned yesterday, the Framers of the Constitution (which included most of the Founding Fathers, plus Ronald Reagan, Jesus, Moses and a utility infielder picked up on waivers from the Cleveland Indians), realized almost immediately after the Constitution was adopted that they had forgotten to put in a lot of stuff. Thus, they came up with the Bill of Rights, which is what they named the first 10 amendments.

In their defense, it is understandable that they forgot this stuff because, hey, have you ever looked at the Constitution? It’s like illegible! They wrote this thing long hand on brown butcher paper and the substituted f’s for t’s and vice versa. I ain’t naming names but someone should have been held back in penmanship class!

Anyway, today we’re going to talk about the Second Amendment which is one of the most fun and controversial of all the amendments! Let’s goooooo!

The Second Amendment says: A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

Scholars and crackpots have long debated the meaning of each word in this seemingly simple sentence. For example, what does the term “well regulated” mean? Does it mean a militia that has is carefully regulated by laws? Does it mean a militia that eats prunes daily and is thus “regular”? And what does “free State” mean? Or how about “militia”? These are hard questions!

After 235 years of debate, careful consideration and thoughtful discussion, the Republican Party, in its guise as the National Rifle Organization, believes this sentence means, “It’s perfectly OK for total nutjobs to have unlimited access to automatic weapons and thousands of rounds of belted ammunition because who knows when the Democrats or minorities are going to break into your home and deny you your freedom and liberty? Huh?”

Democrats, on the other hand, believe that most people should not be able to carry guns. This, of course, would include felons, crazy people and fringe elements who are quite likely to abide docilely by gun control laws. Let’s just say there’s disagreement.

There is also lots of sloganeering. For example, gun advocates say, “Guns don’t kill people.” I agree! Guns don’t kill people! Hunks of lead shot at incredibly high rates of speed kill people! Duh!

And as former NRA head Charlton Heston, whom we met as Moses earlier in this series, used to say, “You’ll have to pry my gun from my cold dead fingers!” But wait! He was cremated and thus deprived us of that very opportunity.

It is also interesting to consider the historical context of the Second Amendment. When the Amendment was written in 1789, the weapon of choice was the flintlock musket. This single-shot weapon was seven feet long, weighed about 30 pounds, took about two minutes to load* and was wildly inaccurate beyond 15 yards. The Founding Fathers were probably pretty confident that even a drunken crazy man couldn’t hold an entire junior high school hostage with a flintlock.

Since then, weapons have become more sophisticated. Why? Because criminals and liberals have become more sophisticated. As our society has changed, so have the weapons needs of our citizenry. If not for the unflinching grit of men like Charlton Heston, American patriots would have no doubt been denied access to weapons like this folding machine gun (keep yourself safe when you walk the dog after dark!) or this fine weapon that will come in handy in case you need to protect your home and family against an intruder a mile and a half away.

Tomorrow: I’ve decided we’ll skip the Third Amendment, since it deals with Protection from forced quartering of troops, although the friend of mine who found his 17 year old daughter in bed with a guy home on leave might want to ask a lawyer about this. Instead, we’ll skip ahead to the Fourth Amendment, which prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures. Should be a laugh riot!

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* From Wikipedia:

In the 18th century, as typified by the English Brown Bess musket, loading and firing was done in the following way:


After the US Constitution was ratified (see yesterday’s insightful post), some people actually got around to reading it and said, “Ooops! We left some stuff out!” They then reconvened the Constitutional Congress and set about adding the Bill of Rights which is what we call the first 10 amendments to the Constitution.

The first of these is called the First Amendment. The First Amendment provides for Freedom of Speech, Assembly and Religion. Let’s take a closer look.

Freedom of Speech, formerly known as Freedom of the Press, is very important to our democracy. Without this Freedom, Congress might very well have passed a law limiting viewer access to the Casey Anthony murder trial or to Dancing with the Stars when Bristol Palin was on. In addition, it protects Fox News’s right to call itself “Fair and Balanced” despite all evidence to the contrary.

This amendment protects the media’s the right to conduct probing, in-depth investigations into matters of significant public importance like the economy and Lindsay Lohan’s shoplifting charge. It also protects Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck who are, of course, the heirs to the legacy of our Founding Fathers.

There are, of course, some limits on free speech. You are not protected by the First Amendment if you yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater. But if Rush Limbaugh calls the President a “scum sucking lower life form who wants to burn every Dittohead to death by locking them in a theater and starting it on fire,” that’s OK.

You cannot show Janet Jackson’s nipple on TV but you can show Jack Bauer tearing out someone’s fingernails with a garden trowel.  It is pretty clear from the notes of the Constitutional Convention that this is exactly what our Founding Fathers intended.

The First Amendment also protects Freedom of Assembly as long as you aren’t a Muslim or protester in Madison, Wisconsin. So Glenn Beck can get together with 50,000 lunatics on the Mall in Washington, DC to whip them into a paranoid frenzy by equating Barack Obama with Adolf Hitler but don’t even think about trying a sit-in at the State Capitol in Madison. Lucky for us those brave men 235 years ago resisted efforts to force them to join the International Brotherhood of Declaration of Independence Writers, Constitution Framers, and Founding Fathers, AFL-CIO.

The First Amendment also protects Freedom of Religion. Some people think this means separation of church and state but it doesn’t. It means that the government can’t force you to join a certain religion. This is good because it’s unlikely that the government would force you to become a Unitarian. It’s much more probable that you’d be handling snakes, speaking in tongues and gathering at the river.

The First Amendment also enables us to combine Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Assembly, and Freedom of Religion in creative ways. For example, we can all feel free not only to get together with people who believe, like we do, that abortion is a cardinal sin but we can also parade around with picket signs of dead fetuses and threaten an abortion provider or two. Of course, we can’t really kill any abortion providers because that would violate their rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and everyone knows that liberals are never as happy as when they are aborting fetuses.

Tomorrow: The Second Amendment: Your Right to Hunt Doves with a Submachine Gun

The US Constitution

The US Constitution, which was written on a mountain by Moses, Jesus, Ronald Reagan and George Washington, begins this way:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

The Constitution then goes on to outline the respective roles of the three branches of government.

The authors of the Constitution (clockwise from top left) Ronald Reagan, Moses, George Washington, Jesus.

The first branch mentioned is the Legislative branch. Its role is mainly to get re-elected but it also performs other important functions: to wear flannel shirts, jeans and boots during the three months prior to an election, to get money from lobbyists, to go on “fact-finding missions” to places like Aruba, to take credit for anything good and to shift blame for anything remotely bad, and to hold “town meetings” where they basically tolerate being in the same room with people who a) might disagree with them and b) don’t give them cash but who might vote for them.

Members of the House of Representatives are elected every two years and members of the Senate are elected every six years. Basically, Senators wear nicer suits and have better haircuts. Representatives, on the other hand, have to raise campaign cash like rats in heat. Despite this fact, the Senate works much more…er, deliberately, since the Senate rules allow any relative of a Senator who is a third cousin or closer to bring the Senate to a standstill. There’s a saying among rich people: “We don’t run for Congress. We own the people who run for Congress.” 

The second branch of government is the Executive Branch. This is basically the President and everyone he can boss around. It also includes the Vice President, who has the easiest job on the planet. According to the Constitution, the Vice President has two duties: be President if the President dies and cast tie-breaking votes in the Senate. Since the Senate never gets around to voting on anything and since Presidents don’t die all that often, this gives the Vice President a lot of time to relax. Historically, vice presidents have been excellent golfers.

Among the people the President can boss around are the cabinet members. Originally, there were just a few: Secretary of War, Secretary of State, Secretary of the Treasury, Attorney General. The Secretary of War is now the Secretary of Defense to reflect the fact that our armed forces serve to protect us from people like the Iraqis, the Afghans, and the Libyans who just a few years ago were getting money from the Secretary of the Treasury. See? Government is complicated!

Secretary of Agriculture Winnie...er, Tom Vilsack

Over the years, a bunch of new secretaries have been added: Secretary of the Interior, Secretary of Health and Human Services, Secretary of Education, Secretary of Transportation, and so on. Presidents create new cabinet positions when they feel the need which means we will probably soon see a Secretary of NASCAR, a Secretary of No Homos, and a Secretary of Jesus. While cabinet secretaries seem pretty important, the fact that Tom Vilsack can get appointed as one pretty much proves they don’t need to be anything other than a political hack to get the job.

Justice Clarence Thomas

The third (and final) branch is the Judicial Branch which used to be highly respected because of the service on the Court of such towering intellects as John Marshall,  Oliver Wendell Holmes, Charles Evans Hughes and Louis Brandeis. That was then. This is now, when a mental midget like Clarence Thomas, who hasn’t asked a question during oral arguments in four years, is actually allowed to sit on the same bench once occupied by those justices. Along with his drinking buddies John Roberts, Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito, Thomas has helped hand over our political system to the Koch brothers, Wall Street, and other reactionaries on the right. As a result, the current US Supreme Court now has a reputation somewhat lower than Big Eddie’s Wham-Bam Used Car Bonanza. Unfortunately, people still pretty much go along with their decisions, which is how George W. Bush became president. Yay for us!

Tomorrow: The Real True Story of the Bill of Rights

 

Some people think women didn’t play a role in building our great country until Eleanor Roosevelt got some leverage on FDR by finding some love letters. Not true! Women have played an important, if behind-the-scenes role from Day 1.

George Washington's mother

For example, who taught George Washington not to tell a lie? His dad? LMFAO. I don’t think so! His dad (Augustine Washington whom everyone called “Gus”) used to sit in a bar all day and when George’s mom Mary would call to get him to come home for dinner, his dad always told the bartender to tell her he wasn’t there. No way we could expect that kind of guy to tell a kid not to lie.

A young George Washington and his mom beg his dad to come home from the tavern.

 

Molly Pitcher, wearing her best satin dress, helps on the battlefield.

There were many, many other strong women who helped launch the country we now call USA. Molly Pitcher is a famous one. While her real name has been lost to history, her deeds have been recounted many times. Most historians think Molly Pitcher is a composite of many women who helped on the battlefield by bringing water to the soldiers in pitchers. This is also true for Molly Stein, Molly Glass, Molly Bottle, Molly Canteen, Molly Bota, and Molly Champagneflute. And of course, women also played important roles as nurses, teachers, seamstresses, and mothers.

 

Then, in the middle of the 18th century, a new kind of woman arose: the Suffragette.

Susan B. Anthony. She got better looking at closing time.

Led by Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, these women were important advocates for giving women the right to vote. Unfortunately, they also thought men were drunken bums and so they founded the Women’s Temperance Movement, which said you shouldn’t drink alcohol. The drunken bums (who, remember, ran everything) said, “No way! And hey, don’t even THINK about voting since the first thing you’ll do is make booze illegal!” They also wrote songs with titles like “The girls all get prettier at closing time” but that’s another story entirely.

In time, women DID get the right to vote which pretty much everyone says was the right thing to do because we’re a much more politically correct country now than we were back then. Well some of us are. The 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote, was proposed on June 4, 1919. Within a month, 11 states had ratified it. By the end of 1919, 22 states had done so and within 441 days, the amendment had been ratified by the states. There were some holdouts:

41 Virginia Feb 21, 1952
42 Alabama Sep 8, 1953
43 Florida May 13, 1969
44 South Carolina Jul 1, 1969
45 Georgia Feb 20, 1970
46 Louisiana Jun 11, 1970
47 North Carolina May 6, 1971
48 Mississippi Mar 22, 1984

 

Now THAT’S what I call true conservatism!

Anyway, without the 19th Amendment, we wouldn’t be able to elect women politicians to high office! No 19th, no Hilary Clinton, no Sarah Palin, no Michele Bachmann.

So don’t tell me women haven’t played a big and major role in our country! From handing out water on the battlefield to shooting moose to standing up against communist socialists…you’ve come a long way, baby!

 

Manhattan Island today

Once upon a time, Manhattan wasn’t covered with buildings. At the time, there were several tribes comprising about 200 people living in what is now all of New York City. The Cuyahoga lived in Soho, the Shinnecock lived on the Lower East Side, the Montauk lived in Chinatown, the Lyanape tribe lived in Central Park West, and the Dodgers lived in Brooklyn.

There wasn’t doodly squat going on in Lower Manhattan. It was mostly covered with woods and some swamps, used mainly by teenage Montauk boys who would sneak off there to smoke cigarettes and play with matches.

Henry Hudson after the Born-Agains turned against him.

The Indians first encountered white men when Henry Hudson stopped by in 1609. He was headed up the river which would one day bear his name looking for a water route to China, where he hoped to get some carryout. When saw some neon casino signs., he figured, “what the heck, I have been on a long, arduous voyage,” and he stopped by to play some keno. Hudson stuck around and partied for awhile with an Indian lass who worked a window in the sports book and then thought, “Wo! I’d sure like some egg rolls,” and he took off. Some of his crew (who were born-again Christians) were really pissed off that Hudson had introduced the Indians to firewater, and the Indians had introduced him to roulette and rose up against him in a mutiny. They took over his ship, put Hudson, his son and some other guys in a boat and set them adrift. They were never seen again. The mutineers, however, went on to live long fun-free, beverage-less lives without music. So you tell me who had the worse deal.

Anyway, a few years went by and in 1626 A Dutch guy named Peter Minuit cruised into town. The King of Holland, Hans Brinker, had recently granted Minuit the RE/MAX franchise for North America and Minuit was out looking for properties to list. After asking around, he was introduced to the chief of the Lyanapes. After the obligatory pleasantries, they got down to business:

Minuit: I am looking for property to list.

Chief: Commercial or residential?

Peter Minuit does some hard bargaining

Minuit: I’m actually interested in raw land with development potential.

Chief: We’ve got plenty of that around here. Two nice rivers, a good harbor, flat land, nice view across the water to New Jersey…and I can guarantee zoning won’t be a problem.

Minuit: I will give you $24 in beads, trinkets, blankets and wampum.

Chief: Toss in a fifth of rye whiskey, some sweet vermouth and some maraschino cherries and you’ve got a deal!

Minuit: Why the cherries?

Chief: I’ll show you after we sign the papers.

Manhattan, straight up

So they had the papers drawn up and notarized. Once they had signed the papers, the chief called for an ice bucket and some glasses and made a drink consisting of two parts rye and one part sweet vermouth. He tossed in a cherry and handed the drink to Minuit. “Hey, this is good!” Minuit said. “What’s it called?

“Doesn’t have a name,” said the chief. “We’re Indians and not into giving booze names.”

“I think I’ll call it a Manhattan!” Minuit said. “I’d like another one, but make this one straight up with less vermouth…oh, and two cherries, please.”

The chief loaded up the wampum and headed back to his tribe. Minuit got a survey crew out to create plats. He then called Donald Trump’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather and set up a lunch meeting.

Over the years, a lot of people have said that Minuit screwed the Indians since Manhattan is now valued at a hair over $8 trillion. A recently discovered recording of a cell phone conversation sheds different light on the subject:

Chief 1: Tony, this is Mike.

Chief 2: Mike! How’s things in Lyanape land?

Chief 1: Doing great, Tony. How are things with the Montauk mafia?

Chief 2: Never better…except for those damn kids sneaking off to smoke cigarettes.

Chief 1: I think I might have solved that for you.

Chief 2: Oh, man, I’d owe you big time! How’d you do it?

Chief 1: I just “sold” that area to some white sucker named Minuit.

Chief 2: SOLD it? LMAO, dude. You don’t even OWN it.

Chief 1: Minuit doesn’t know that and let’s keep it that way, OK? Wanna bring the missus over for a cocktail?

Chief 2: On my way!