Free at last!
The Iowa Caucuses (Cauci?) are over and everyone in our Hawkeye State is sleeping it off. Every four years, we are subjected to criticism that Iowa is too old, too white, too Christian, too homogenous, too Clem-Kaddidlehopperish to deserve the honor of being first in the nation in selecting presidential candidates.
You want to be first ? You got it. About this time, the only people who would fight you for it are the Iowa television stations that have been minting money for several months now. The rest of us have been on the receiving end of the attack ads. They were everywhere: local news, Wheel of Fortune, the Khardashians, Iron Chef, Sports Center, even the test pattern. Once you’ve had the opportunity to sit through a 30-minute Newt Gingrich infomercial, the Seventh Level of Hell doesn’t look all that bad.
The media makes a big deal out of the fact that Iowans go out on a frigid January night to caucus. Trust me, it ain’t all that altruistic; it’s the only way we’ve found to get away from the political ads.
The kingmaker who couldn’t pull the trigger
Representative Steve King (R-Far Right Fringe) has missed the bus. He coulda been a contender instead of a bum, which is what he is. Yep, the Man Who Would Be a Kingmaker snoozed through his opportunity to have an impact on the Iowa caucuses. He dithered. He fiddled while Rome burned. He pulled the old Rip Van Winkle.
His refusal to endorse a candidate means if he tries to take credit for the most excellent showing of Big Rick Santorum (not to be confused with Little Rick Perry), he must also take blame for the total campaign collapse of his friend and fellow-wingnut, Michele Bachmann. In other word, he didn’t move the needle even a little bit. We can only hope he follows Bachmann into well-deserved oblivion. Iowa will be a focal point during the general election but King will be a non-player as the GOP tacks toward the center. His role leading up to the presidential election will be to dutifully round up and deliver the evangelical votes for the Romney campaign.
Our Lord and Savior one of few endorsements not on Santorum’s list
According to a Wikipedia entry no doubt maintained by the Rick Santorum campaign (with a little assistance from the Holy Ghost), Santorum received endorsements from several major Iowa conservative leaders in the fall of 2011. Prominent social conservatives Bob Vander Plaats and Chuck Hurley, both leaders of the Family Leader social conservative advocacy organization, praised Santorum’s conservative record on social issues. Sioux City conservative talk radio host Sam Clovis cited Santorum’s beliefs in “a constitutionally limited government, fiscal responsibility, strong national defense and unflagging devotion to life and traditional marriage.”
Within hours of finishing last among a weak field, Michele Bachmann, a congresswoman from neighboring Minnesota, announced she was “suspending” her campaign. In today’s political lexicon, “suspending” means “running away with your tail between your legs like a whipped dog.” But hey, it’s not like we didn’t get a chance to get to know Michele. Remember when she was the “frontrunner” because she “won” the Straw Poll? This tells us two things: 1) the Straw Poll is not a serious thing; 2) the national media are desperate.
I will miss her. She filled a lunacy gap in the Clown Car and did her best to make even Donald Trump look presidential. Her candidacy offered a glimpse into the Pit of Doom where the 1630s Puritans meet 21st century Revolutionary War re-enactors. In Bachmann’s world, the line between reality and delusion is never clear and is often crossed. God bless us all.
It was a long slog, America, but we Iowans did what we’ve been called to do: we winnowed. We did the dirty work so you don’t have to. We’re down to one. The media, hungry for anything to expand beyond and dilute their preternatural fixation with kidnapped blondes and psychotic mothers who kill their kids, will figure out some way to gum the results of the Iowa caucus like a toothless hag working on a slice of white bread. It’s all a sham. Ladies and gentlemen of the universe, Iowa presents your GOP nominee, Mitt Romney!
We’ve learned a lot about the candidates in the past 18 months (like dentist-chair time, the time leading up to the caucuses drags out so that minutes seem like…well, hours). We learned that Texans have elected the closest approximation to Bozo the Clown that doesn’t come with orange hair and gigantic shoes. We learned that Michele Bachmann’s husband’s name is Marcus and that he casts out demons. We learned that Ron Paul is even crankier than he was in 2008. We learned Herman Cain is ALL man and that 9-9-9 upside down in 666.
We also learned that green trumps white. White, as in 91% white (and vastly whiter for self-identified Republicans). Green as in the color of money. Rick Santorum, who right now is thinking he is coming out of the Iowa caucuses riding on the shoulders of Uncle Moe Mentum, has in reality just become the next target of Restore Our Future, Romney’s Super PAC. Restore Our Future, carved up Newt Gingrich like roast beef on a Sunday brunch sideboard. And it only cost a few million dollars.
Santorum, who as one wag said, ran a fantastic gubernatorial campaign in Iowa, ain’t got game. If you’ve been paying attention over the past, oh, forever, money = game. Santorum has no money and no organization. What he does have is the evangelical, anti-gay, anti-21st century base who could have coalesced around Rick Perry or Bachmann. When Santorum (who brings new meaning to the word “froth”) takes away your votes you have some serious wound licking to do.
We can now call him “Big Rick” as opposed to Perry’s “Little Rick.” But Big Rick has problems beyond money and organization. For one thing, he’s a single-issue candidate. Oh sure, he’s cobbled together some economic talking points and he’s cut and pasted something that looks like a foreign policy, but Santorum’s only issue is his stance against gay people. And folks, he’s on the wrong side of public opinion on the gay thing. It’s been obvious for a long time that the American public is vastly more tolerant of gays than the GOP will admit. Bashing gays seems more and more akin to dog fighting all the time: it’s patently offensive. But it’s a hot-button issue with the evangelicals who took over the Iowa Republican Party back in the days of Ronald Reagan.
Besides, it’s the economy stupid and Santorum, who was a U.S. senator from Pennsylvania back when earmarks were the unapologetic oil in the legislative machine, can’t really run on an economic reform platform beyond making sure there aren’t any illegal immigrants to compete with Americans for those $5 an hour hotel maid and fruit-picker jobs.
So it’s Mitt. In retrospect, the whole thing seems like a bad Clive Cussler novel. There’s a beginning, a lot of incoherent plot twists and then a predictable ending. As I’ve said all along, Romney is the only near-sane person in the crowd. Sane, perhaps, but ruthless. By using his PAC to do his dirty work, the Mitten has done his best to keep his cardigan clean. It will only get worse as we enter the general election cycle. These days, politicians don’t seem to give a rat’s ass what the landscape looks like after they’ve achieved their near-term goals. Win now and worry about the mess later.
This is not to say there won’t be some entertainment ahead. Newt Gingrich, who seemingly tried to keep his inner troll under wraps here in Iowa, has signaled that he’s pulling out the long knives to seek vengeance on Mitt for all the attack ads funded by Restore Our Future that sank his campaign. Newt Gingrich crying foul is like Genghis Khan complaining someone broke a gentleman’s agreement.
Let’s hope Newt’s anger burns hot enough to keep things interesting at least through Memorial Day. I am not getting my hopes up. Newt’s money is going to dry up and I don’t think he’s the type to self fund a campaign of retribution.
The other interesting plot line will be how the Tea Party, which was so full of itself just one year ago, reconciles itself to Romney. He is as old-school as they come, essentially a centrist Democrat pandering to the wingnuts. If the Tea Partiers don’t rise up to fight him, they’ll be consigned to the vacuum cleaner bag of history. If nothing else, that will make the right wing of America a lot less interesting. It will also be the death knell of the subculture of retailers selling tric0rn hats and colonial waistcoats.
Many years ago, a then-famous professional wrestler named Macho Man Randy Savage was being interviewed on television just before a match. When asked for a prediction about the outcome, Savage turned to the camera, jabbed an index finger toward the lens and said, “I predict pain! Pain and injury!”
As I look ahead to the New Year, I am sorely tempted to be Savage-esque. The biggest political event, the presidential election is shaping up to be 1) very, very nasty; 2) very, very expensive; 3) very, very divisive and 4) very, very disappointing. But on the other hand, it will also be 5) very, very entertaining.
Let’s get real here folks: The only Republican who isn’t a stone’s throw from the asylum is Mitt Romney. He’s a good-looking, very wealthy former governor who acted very much like a centrist Democrat when he was running the Massachusetts state apparatus. By all accounts, he’s smart, capable of analytic thinking when he wants to be, and quite probably better presidential timber than Obama was four years ago. But he’s gone all creepy and sycophantic to the Tea Party. The result has been this very weird serial repudiation of his own actions, which if he would own up to them, would get him a lot of votes in the middle. The fact that two-thirds of the GOP loathes him has been the story so far.
The winner of the Republican race will face off against the champion, Barack H. Obama. If the economy gets better, he’ll win. If it doesn’t, he might still win. The Republicans are doing everything in their considerable power to sandbag the economy. Obama seems to be finding a voice, and hell yes, that voice is about the haves and have-nots in America. Reagan would never have allowed that to happen. He always calibrated his message to align it with the middle. As long as the tax structure was woven into a quasi-folksy line of BS that included “morning in America” and fighting for freedom even if it meant invading Grenada, Reagan’s ass was covered. It also helped that he didn’t get multiple thousands of Americans killed in wars that bankrupted the treasury. In short, he talked a good game which is why he is called “the Great Communicator” by those who worship him.
Wait! I got off on a rant! I started out with a look ahead at 2012, so here we go!
January — Following up on his twin wins in Iowa and New Hampshire, a triumphant Ron Paul headed to South Carolina and Nevada with high hopes of sealing the deal on the Republican nomination. With his vast ground forces consisting nearly equally of college students and cranky nursing home residents, Paul hit a solid wall in South Carolina when he refused to repudiate charges that he wanted to shut down the Parris Island Marine Corps facility. His fate in South Carolina was sealed when a SuperPAC funded by a coalition of advocates for tattoo parlors and brothels began running vicious anti-Paul TV ads.
February — Oddly enough, Ron Paul’s campaign was resurrected only days later in Nevada when a SuperPAC funded by a coalition of advocates for tattoo parlors and brothels began running TV ads strongly supporting him. As a side note, a large contingent of cocktail waitresses at Caesar’s Palace formed their own PAC, which they named the “Pro-Paul Harem”.
March — Continuing the Paul-Caesar’s Palace connection, the candidate escapes an assassination attempt in the casino on March 15. Bloggers and the chattering class in D.C. begin referring to him as “the new Julius Caesar.” For Paul, Super Tuesday (March 6) dealt his presidential ambitions a serious blow when he mistakenly thought it was Super Wednesday and didn’t show up. Super Tuesday ended up being Super only for newly announced candidate Callista Gingrich, who swept all 10 states whose delegates were up for grabs that day, including Virginia where she officially changed her name to Mitt Romney in order to get on the ballot. The sweep put her in a commanding position to claim the nomination but she frittered it away less than a week later when she visited her husband, candidate Newt Gingrich, in the hospital where he was being treated for laryngitis to serve him with divorce papers.
April — As T.S. Eliot said:
APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
April 2012 was indeed a cruel month for the Republican candidates. Michele Bachmann’s hopes suffered a major setback when her husband, Marcus, was discovered in an airport restroom stall with a pitching wedge and a stuffed penguin. Gingrich dropped out after a surgery resident at the Mayo Clinic “accidentally” removed his vocal chords during a tonsillectomy. According to news reports, Jon Huntsman was kidnapped, a tragedy that was compounded when the kidnappers sent the ransom note to Mitt Romney. Oops.
Speaking of dried tubers, Ron Paul continued his quixotic pursuit of the GOP nomination even as a rehabilitated Herman Cain and his new wife, Callista Gingrich-Cain, re-entered the race with the backing of the Koch Brothers. Political bloggers couldn’t resist themselves, saying the race was down to three: one black, one blonde, one befuddled.
May — The month of May witnessed three critical events that completely upended the nomination race. Ron Paul, who had benefited significantly from the accidental silencing of Newt Gingrich, suffered a broken leg during the Kentucky Derby while watching the race with his son, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. After many hours of consultation with the finest veterinarians, Paul was put down. A plaque commemorating him was erected at Claiborne Farms and his cremains interred next to Secretariat.
More race-day excitement unfolded later in the month during the Indianapolis 500 when Michele and Marcus Bachmann were discovered inflagrante delecto with Indy driver Danica Patrick and the entire pit crew of Patrick’s team mate Marco Andretti. Although Bachmann claimed she was “just taking a closer look at the STP decal”, amateur videos tell quite a different story.
Finally, in a Memorial Day tragedy that will forever mark the holiday, frequent presumptive front runner Mitt Romney was badly injured when he tripped coming down the steps of his campaign tour bus during on swing through Tennessee during his “Just Tell Me What To Believe” tour. The spill knocked out Romney’s two front teeth, removing the main reason anyone had ever supported him: he looked presidential. After the accident, he really looked more like Goober from the Andy Griffith Show.
June — Because of the incredible run of bad luck and rash of injuries among the GOP candidates, June 1 found Texas Governor Rick Perry trailing only “none of the above” in the race for the nomination, a remarkable showing given the fact that Perry hadn’t left Texas since January. His amazing staying power was attributed to the fact that his SuperPAC, Patriotic Religious Zealots to Preserve the 1880s American Way, had raised and spent more than $2 billion during that period, most of it from oil tycoons and the Koch Brothers. Insiders noted that the Koch brothers had contributed more than $1.5 billion to each of the candidates, figuring that owning the American government was worth a few billion dollars.
Roused from his slumber in Austin, Rick Perry asked what month it was and re-entered the race for three reasons (you know this punchline).
Meanwhile, the suicide rate among mainstream Republicans spiked around Arbor Day when the approval rating of their party dropped to less than five percent (although if inmates in various mental institutions were include, that number rose considerably).
The first half of 2012 was capped off in the final week of June when Mitt Romney publicly destroyed more than 10,000 CDs of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and called for the arrest and imprisonment of Donny and Marie Osmond.
Meanwhile, Jon Huntsman outlined his foreign policy to a gathering of six people in Missoula, MT.
Next time: July through December 2012
After the January 3 Iowa Caucuses, we won’t have Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum to kick around anymore. For each, one of three post-Iowa fates await them: 1) they will take the hint and end their so-called “presidential campaigns.” Like their old adversary, Herman Cain, they may choose to “suspend” their campaigns so as to milk the last drop of fame and TV exposure for themselves; 2) the media will end their campaigns for them, relegating them to spots alongside Buddy Rohmer/Gary Johnson/Jimmy “The rent is too damn high” McMillan; 3) they may simply disappear, taken away by space aliens or voluntarily entering the witness protection program where they will be given a Hispanic surname and relocated to the Mexican border to serve as undercover agents in the coming shooting war with illegal immigrants trying to sneak across the border to work as gardeners and hotel maids for a buck fifty an hour.
Think about what they’ve experienced in the past year! They’ve split their time between trying to convince Iowa Republicans they are serious candidates, trying to convince rich people that they deserve large checks (see also: throwing money down a rat hole), fighting homosexuality wherever they find it, standing at podiums at the outer edges of debates waiting for their 30 seconds of airtime in a 90 minute event, and doing endless interviews with reporters from weekly papers.
It’s been sort of interesting getting to know them. Naw, not really. Neither one ever really came up with any ideas beyond their broad anti-gay dogmas. Bachmann was a fundraising fool as a bomb-throwing Congresswoman but she didn’t wear well with most people who don’t handle snakes as part of their prayer ritual. I personally don’t think she ever recovered from the Newsweek cover that made her look like a meth chef desperate for a tank full of anhydrous. The campaign “peaked” at the Republican straw poll which pretty much erased any pretense to legitimacy that event might have had. The past year hasn’t been real kind to first-gentleman-wannabe Marcus Bachmann, about whom we learned ever so much more than we really wanted to know. And if raising kids was a foundation from which to build a campaign, Kate Gosselin would be right in there. Aw, crap you don’t think she’d ever…???
What can you say about Rick Santorum that hasn’t already not been said by the media? I mean, the guy was really, really trying but what was he trying to do…run as a former Senator AND as an outsider? His dilemma was trying to get voters to remember that he had been in the Senate while the approval rating of Congress dipped down to about the same level as the alcohol content of O’Doul’s.
Interestingly, two of the self-described heavy hitters in the Hawkeye State’s homophobe ranks — Bob Vander Plaats and Chuck Hurley — came out yesterday and endorsed Santorum. It seems pretty stupid to me for “heavy hitters” to wait until the caucus is less than two weeks away to endorse a guy with low-single-digit poll numbers. I’m not political strategist but it might have made more sense when Santorum was trying to differentiate himself from the rest of that raggedy bunch.
Can they really be so self-delusional as to think they’re endorsements might actually MEAN something? Heck, Vander Plaats’s far-right group, The Family Leader, had to rely on money from the Deep South to fund its successful recall campaign of the Iowa Supreme Court Justices. If there is a righteous higher power, the endorsements will be a complete fail and they’ll be relegated to sending ranting letters to the editor to all 300 newspapers in Iowa for the rest of their lives.
So requiescat in pacem, guys. The 2012 Republican Campaign Clown Car will be a little less crowded on Jan. 4. Bachmann can head back to D.C. where actually she has a job as a non-insider US Representative. Santorum will return to Pennsylvania and pursue other interests. He’s already had a colorful law career, including representing the World Wrestling Federation, arguing that professional wrestling should be exempt from federal anabolic steroid regulations because it was not a sport. OMG, how many things are wrong with THAT? (As an aside, Santorum — remember he’s a lawyer — says Clarence Thomas is his favorite Supreme Court Justice).
On Jan. 4, we’ll be down to Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Perry in the Clown Car. On to New Hampshire!
There’s been a lot (well, more like some) outrage over an opinion piece written by a University of Iowa journalism faculty member that appears in the Atlantic Online. The writer, a guy named Steve Bloom, (who is the Bessie Dutton Murray Professional Scholar at the UI journalism school) says he is trying to explain Iowa and its inhabitants (mainly the latter) to outsiders. He does so by providing such insights as:
In this land, deep within America, on Friday nights it’s not unusual to take a date to a Tractor Pull or to a Combine Demolition Derby (“First they were thrashin’, now they’re CRASHIN’!”).
Bloom has lived in Iowa for 20 years. I’ve lived here three times that long and have never been to a tractor pull. In fact, I can’t think of any friends who have been to a tractor pull but then that’s not something my friends would mention out of fear of ridicule.
In fact, just last Sunday, when my friends and I could theoretically been at a tractor pull, we were instead at a poetry reading in Mount Vernon (pop. 4,000) where I live. The event was the celebration of a newly published book of poems by a friend, Glenn Freeman, who was born and raised in Baltimore and who moved voluntarily to Iowa where he teaches writing at Cornell College.
The food for the event was provided by another friend, Matt Steigerwald, who owns the Lincoln Wine Bar (where the event was held) and the Lincoln Cafe, which has been written up in the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, Midwest Living, Oprah Winfrey’s O Magazine, and many other publications. Matt, who has also competed in national competitions against the likes of the chefs from the French Laundry, hails from North Carolina. His culinary skills would be a hit in any major city. He to0 moved voluntarily to Iowa and has sunk extremely deep roots into the local community.
Music for the event was provided by another close friend, Dale Beeks. In addition to being a musical polyglot, Dale is a high-end collector and dealer in antiques, specifically scientific instruments. He literally wrote the book on antique surveying instruments and once owned surveyors tools purchased by George Washington. He was invited by Antiques Roadshow to be one of their on-air appraisers. Dale is originally from the Bay Area in California. He came to Iowa after a long and very thoroughly researched hunt for a new place for his family to live. Out of all the places in the USA, he selected Iowa and he loves it here.
When Bloom refers to Iowa as a”schizophrenic, economically-depressed, and some say, culturally-challenged state”, I’d suggest that he may be 1) pandering to a more effete segment of society; 2) hanging with the wrong crowd and; 3) intellectually so lazy that he reflects very poorly on the University of Iowa and its j-school.
In the interest of full disclosure, I hold a master’s degree from the UI School of Journalism. I earned this degree before Bloom arrived, for which I think I should be grateful. During my time at the school, (1982-84) there was great emphasis placed on accuracy in journalism. Get the facts right. Old school. Apparently, Bloom belongs to the Republican Party school of communication that says anything is a fact as long as you’re willing to present it as a fact. For example, in his article, Bloom writes, “Rural America has always been homogenous, as white as the milk the millions of Holstein cows here produce.”
In fact, the actual size of Iowa’s dairy herd is 209,000* and that includes some numbers of Guernseys, Brown Swiss, Jerseys, Ayrshire and Milking Shorthorns. It took me about a minute to find out this fact, apparently more time than a journalism professor with a named chair is willing to spend while “researching” an article.
Bloom also writes:
The corn grows so fast in Iowa — from seedlings to 7-foot-high stalks in 12 weeks — that it crackles nonstop throughout the summer months. The sound is like popcorn popping slow-motion in a microwave. That pop-pop-popping can be heard especially in the early morning hours, as dew and fog cover the acres of gently swaying cornstalks that surround farming villages the way the sea encircles an island.
Again, a minute on the internet would have cautioned Bloom against repeating what agronomists say is a very specious assertion. While I am willing to grant him the benefit of the doubt when he implies that he has actually been in a cornfield in the early morning hours, I would submit that with the leaves rustling and scraping, it’s too damn noisy out there to hear microscopic cell division no matter how rapidly it’s taking place.
If this Atlantic piece is what passes for “scholarship,” I bet old Bessie Dutton Murray wants her endowment back.
In the end, whatever outrage Iowans may feel toward Bloom’s journalistic fuck you, it’s probably compounded by the fact that Bloom continues to cash checks underwritten by their tax money. While as a “scholar,” Bloom would claim he has academic freedom to say the things he says, in reality being a dick has a downside. For example, you never get invited to poetry readings on Sunday afternoons and instead have to spend your spare time in river towns like Keokuk, “a skuzzy depressed, crime-infested slum town.”
If I might offer some bits of advice to the poor forlorn Bloom:
- Iowans are nice. Be nice. You’ll be happier and you’ll get invited to see the other side of Iowa life.
- Get a sense of humor. As an acquaintance said about your piece, “Garrison Keillor might have pulled this off because he’s funny and is willing to laugh at himself too.” Lighten up, dude.
- Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Don’t take Iowa taxpayers’ money and then tell a national audience what rubes those taxpayers are. It’s bad form.
- Don’t pretend to be what you’re not. Don’t pretend to be an Iowan. You’re a carpetbagger. Don’t pretend to be an intellectual. Your reliance on stereotypes is intellectual sloppiness. It’s not OK to stereotype Iowans any more than it’s OK to stereotype blacks, women or Jews.
Finally, why are you here? If you are so fundamentally unhappy, so professionally unfulfilled, so intellectually lonely why don’t you just move on? Is it tenure that keeps you here? The last third of the article is such an unvarnished venting of loathing for what you perceive to be the “real” Iowa, it’s hard to imagine the depth of your despair. Dude, life is too short to spend it among people who are not worthy of your presence. Go. Leave. Find another university’s tit to suck.
This interesting slide show lists the 10 states that have the highest percentage of their populations on food stamps. Guess who loses. Yes, Mississippi. Again. To put this in context, I’d like to reference a post from many moons ago detailing some of the many ways that Mississippi is not just bad but pathetic. I know some of you are saying, “Lighten up, Steve. We know Mississippi has problems but you’re relentless.” Guilty as charged. As long as Mississippi keeps electing clowns like Trent Lott, Haley Barbour, and Ross Barnett (OK, Barnett is a stretch), I’ll keep mocking you.
Who is the man we can call a Tea Party Man? He’s rugged but perceptive. He’s independent but respectful. He holds his religious faith dear and isn’t afraid to use a little bit of excess force on heretics. His mind is made up, his opinions unwavering. He is steadfast in the face of facts, unfaltering in the face of change.
He wouldn’t be caught dead in a Japanese car and he’ll gut you with his Swiss army knife if you suggest otherwise. He’s a church-going man where he sits in a pew and daydreams about Michele Bachmann’s nipples.
He’s a patriot who respects the flag and proves it by flying a shredded Old Glory on a pole outside his doublewide. He supports our military and demonstrates that support by taking off his cammo hat when they play the National Anthem before a truck pull.
He’s opposed to druggies and once beat the living shit out of a stoner in a bar who suggested that he might want to cut down on his meth intake.
He loves country music, NASCAR, and Budweiser. His ultimate wet dream is having a beer with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and the Oak Ridge Boys, then picking up Sarah Palin and taking her back to his trailer.
He really, really hates gay people, especially gay men who he calls fags. He thinks about fags all the time and is constantly worried that one of them will try to recruit him into the homosexual legions of sin.
He’s fed up with pointy-head scientists shoving out their bullshit about global warming. He feels that if the weather gets warmer, it’s an excuse to cut the sleeves off your shirts. Besides, the air conditioning in his F350 works great. Perhaps they will extend the deer season.
He’s fond of guns and has a bunch of them including a loaded pistol in a drawer next to his bed “just in case an illegal immigrant breaks in and tries to rape my wife.” Then he remembers that his wife ran off with the assistant manager of the local True Value hardware store. “OK, in case an illegal immigrant breaks in and tries to rape my coonhound.”
He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that immigrants and minorities have spent the last 200 years eating away at the foundations of our American democracy. One example is when a black person waltzes up to a voting booth expecting to be able to vote without showing a photo ID to prove they aren’t among the tens of millions of minorities bent on committing voter fraud.
He reserves his deepest hatred for illegal aliens, whom he loathes for two reasons; they are lazy and want nothing more than government handouts and they are willing to work incredibly long days at backbreaking jobs, thus stealing opportunities from real Americans who are then forced to turn to methamphetamine for solace.
He has a deep and abiding respect for the Constitution, and is especially fond of quote the first five amendments:
- First Amendment: This gives me the right to shout at you in a bar when you’re being a fucktard.
- Second Amendment: This gives me the right to carry a weapon to protect myself because we are coming under increasing threats from minorities, homosexuals and illegal immigrants who could at any time attack us 300 or 400 at a time. Thus, I need an automatic weapon.
- Third Amendment: No free shit for poor people.
- Fourth Amendment: Government can’t pass rules that shut down the chemical factory on the outskirts of town where my brother-in-law, Bleached Hands Billy, used to work before he got the cancer.
- Fifth Amendment: You have to be an American citizen to get into our grade schools.
He’s proud of his heritage and proud of his Harley. He is also proud of his Harley t-shirt, his Harley vest, his Harley cap, his Harley leather wristbands, his Harley leather pants, his Harley boots and his Harley belt buckle. He is particularly proud of the fact that he is a man who thinks for himself.
We should all take a few moments to thank the Tea Party Man. He keeps us safe, keeps us secure, keeps us on our toes, and mainly, he keeps us entertained.
In a statement released today by his campaign, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced his support for the “immediate development and deployment of a technology designed to allow warships to detect and avoid sailing off the end of the earth.”
“I am shocked and amazed that the current president is allowing our brave servicemen and women to risk their lives by sailing perilously close to the edge of the world,” Perry statement said. “If these heroes fall off the earth and are eaten by serpents, it will be on his head. This cannot stand!”
Next year there will be new Congressional districts in Iowa. I will be in the First District, which is currently represented by Democrat Bruce Braley. I see in today’s news that Braley showed up at a rally the corporate jet manufacturers’ association held in Cedar Rapids. Also there were Republican extremists Charles Grassley and Steve King. Nine percent unemployment and Braley is playing shill for a corporate PR event.
Here is the text of an email I sent Braley:
Dear Congressman Braley,
What could you have been thinking when you showed up at the Cedar Rapids rally put on by the corporate jet manufacturers’ association? As a result of the newly drawn congressional districts, you will be campaigning for election in a district that includes Mount Vernon, where I live. I assure you my loyalty to the Democratic Party does not prevent me from refusing to vote for a candidate who appears at an event like this.
The email could actually be translated to read “get your head out of your butt and act like a Democrat for god’s sake.”
Q: What’s the difference between Barack Obama and Grover Norquist?
A: Grover Norquist has principles he stands up for.