Our country was founded in 1776 when the Founding Fathers (George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Christopher Columbus, Ben Franklin, Paul Revere, Ronald Reagan and Charlton Heston and some others) got together in New York City to declare that we weren’t giving up our bare arms. They signed the Declaration of Independence and then broke the Liberty Bell by ringing it so hard. Heston would later found the city of Charlton, South Carolina.
The British didn’t like this and, being liberal communists, immediately tried to pass gun control laws, which started the Revolutionary War of 1812. For awhile it looked like we might lose but then they captured Benedict Arnold, Washington crossed the icy Potomac on a fairy and we won.
The same guys I mentioned above then wrote the Constitution which ended slavery and ensured the rights of people to go to church but the word “mosque” was never used. You can look that up.
The political parties were soon created. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin and Abraham Lincoln founded the Republican Party. The Democrat party was founded by Karl Marx and some Quakers. The Republicans bought the entire rest of the country from the Indians for some beads and a case of Jim Beam and started building railroads. The Democrats immediately tried to surrender to the Spanish when there wasn’t even a war going on. Once they found that out, they all went to Massachusetts, where they invented welfare and started agitating for universal suffrage, which said that illegal immigrants from Mexico could send their kids to school for free and didn’t have to pay taxes.
The Civil War broke out in 1860 when the Democrats tried to raise taxes agains the Will of the People. It was a bloody strife and finally ended when the Confederates surrendered at Applesauce Courthouse in return for a promise that from then on all the military bases would be built in their states and that labor unions would be outlawed. All the South had to give up was a commitment to decent public education and public health, which was very attractive later when they had to compete against Indonesia for low-wage jobs.
Next time: Reconstruction and the Rise of Capitalization.