The Department of Defense issued a stern “n0 comment” statement today following a New York Times story detailing how military brass at the highest levels of all the services approved and established a top-secret special operations force. According the the Times article, the military has already operationalized the unit, codenamed Joint Task Force Sponge Bob. When fully deployed, the force, which is based in Orlando on property adjacent to Disney World, consists of elite three-to-12-year old boys who have been highly trained in drone warfare.
“The concept is very simple,” a source deep in the Pentagon was quoted in the article. “We’ve embedded snippets of code in every video game installed on every gaming platform in the country. We’re tracking high scores, sure, but we’re also tracking learning curves. How long does it take for a kid to become proficient? What’s his upper limit of skill? Will he take candy bars and juice boxes as pay?”
According to sources with intimate knowledge of the project, military commanders have been “over-the-top happy” with the results so far.
“Who’d have thought even five years ago that we could be projecting this type of flexible, scalable lethal force in return for some Hershey bars and the occasional trip to the Magic Kingdom?”
The Times reported that the only concerns so far have been behavior-based, such as the time an 8-year-old threw down his controller and ran screaming to his bedroom after completly missing a Afghan village he had targeted for destruction. His older brother later took out the village and gave the younger boy credit.
“While these guys are true heroes in every sense of the word, some of them still need their stuffed toys and blankies,” said a senior officer who was granted anonymity to discuss the top secret program. “By the time they turn 11 or 12, they’re pretty much past that stage.”